Date:    Mon, 18 Oct 1999 10:42:06 +1300
From:    Roi Colbert 
Subject: dimmer album further delayed/red star rebuild

red star grey lynn celebrated long and hard all friday after their 3-1
laceration of swedish champions Sewage in the auckland indoor soccer
premiership semi-final. the hedonistic carnage continued thru the weekend
as coach roi colbert chivalrously employed the paul gascoigne buildup
(three days off, four days on) after resisting red star's plea for the
george best version (seven days off).
monday morning and we were back at the chinese herb centre in K Road for
more of their centuries-old proven toxin removers sheng-fu, tong-wi and
ping-gohf-crub.
after the compulsory viewing of the cheerleader practice at the auckland
domain under fiona mcdonald who was breath-taking on TV's Ground Zero
friday night, erratic red star striker shayne.p.carter asked for a private
audience with the coach.
"coach, i've written a team song" said carter.
"what about the dimmer album shayne?" asked colbert quietly.
"screw the dimmer album, this team needs a SONG!" shouted carter.
"and you've written one?" enquired colbert with all the politeness he could
muster.
"i've REWRITTEN one" snarled carter.
colbert sighed. he remembered well carter's four rewrites of the bored
games classic Joe 90, a reinvention of the wheel  matched only in the
history of new zealand rock music by ray columbus' seven versions of She's
A Mod.
"which song have you rewritten shayne?" asked colbert philanthropically.
"She Speeds" said carter, with what incredulously appeared to be a
triumphant smile.
fuck me, thought colbert, carter really HAS gone over the edge.
"given it a great soccer crowd lyric?" asked colbert benevolently.
"listen to THIS!!!" screamed carter, clasping headphones to colbert's head
from where came the unmistakeable karaoake musical backdrop of She Speeds
" sing along to THIS bad boy!!!!!"  bellowed the billy idol-lipped one.

"we're a fucking good team called Red Star-ah
we make the teams we play much weaker than they are-ah
tough men  rough men  and you know they really know when we are there
admire the style we play as we go looking for more more more
more more more
coz we
we score
we score and then we give them the finger      running away
we are Red Star
we are Red Star
yes we are Red Star
we are Red Star"

colbert paused to give the lyric time to make its mark.
"this is fucking abject shayne" he responded kindly "but it IS better than
the original."
"wot do you mean?" wailed carter, a man traditionaklly weakened by severe
criticism.
"well seriously shayne, what sort of an opening couplet is
AND I QUIETLY COUNT WITH THE GONE
THEY MEANT A NUMBER AND I'M COUNTING THE ON ????
"that's not what i wrote" muttered carter defensively.
"it may not be what you WROTE" said colbert didactically "but it's
definitely what you SANG"

carter fell to the ground sobbing. for years he had been told She Speeds
was a goodie.
"please can we get the cheerleaders to sing the new She Speeds??" he howled
"please please please please please please please???????????"

"no" said colbert.

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